So the clinic is going on at Advantage Ranch this weekend with Sue Cumming-Schultz. Friday night was the yoga session, which was pretty great. I have been doing yoga with Morgan and Deb for…I guess it’s been at least three months now. So I kinda knew a lot of the stuff already, but since Morgan’s still learning, there was still a bunch of new information that Sue was able to bring up, one of which is the art of meditation. About spending a bit of time each day being still and just doing nothing, which is a pretty ridiculous concept in this day and age when everything is goGoGO all the time.
But even while we were having the session, it kinda surprised me at the number of people who said they felt like they had to be doing something all the time. It’s just the way society seems to be. And really, it makes a lot of sense. I feel guilty when I have so much to do (even out of things I *want* to do) that I feel like I just have no time. I guess even with Morgan telling me that everyone feels the same things just at different times, it didn’t really sink in until there were that many people all saying the same thing.
Anyway, Saturday morning we had our first session at the barn, and we talked about mastery of a craft, horseback riding in this instance, and I began to feel guilty. Horses suffer when we ride them without knowing what we’re doing. Sitting on their backs wrong, pulling them into positions they can’t handle physically, mentally distressing them. And since I’m learning that’s all part of the process. And while I love riding, and I love that connection that I get while riding Tori, I’m not interested in riding in the capacity that Sue was talking about.
I look at what Morgan can do on a horse, and I think ‘Wow, I wish I could do that.’, but at the same time, I don’t feel a real drive or desire to work as hard as it would take to get to that level. Sort of the same way I look at a really cool drawing and wish I could do that, but have no patience to work on my drawing skills. On the other hand, when I see what Deb does with training the yearlings, I find myself thinking, ‘I am willing to do whatever it takes to be able to learn how to do that.’ I’m not sure why, maybe it has something to do with creating a young animal, and helping to shape it toward greatness, and the ability to be the perfect partner for someone one day. Maybe it’s something else completely.
But even that dream costs money in the end, and the two complaints that I have with my life, that I know I shouldn’t have because I have so much to be thankful for, but in still being human are: my lack of a real money paying job, and my weight. Sue rightfully pointed out that I can do something about my weight right now, even if the universe continues to deny me a job. And while I know Deb and Morgan have said it on many different occasions, something else was added that really made it feel more doable to me, was that Sue said that I would be the first person she would want to see when she comes back in September, and whether or not she meant that literally or not it gave me, for the first time, someone to be accountable to. I’m new to this ‘self-discovery’ stuff, and I know I’m weak on ‘working hard even when no one is watching’, but she also made me realize that that’s okay. That the people at the barn are there to support me and encourage me even when I’m feeling all too human.
So that’s why I’m putting this all in my blog. Because then I can hold myself accountable, because other people may or may not be reading this each day. People who I will see and encourage me. And also because when I’ve gotten a few weeks in (or longer), I can look back and see how much I’ve already done and feel good about keeping consistent, which will help to encourage me to keep it up. I’ll work on being accountable to only myself, but for right now I’m fine with where I am.
So for today, I came back from the barn and walked around the block while I waited for my husband to come and unlock the door I forgot to take a key for this morning. Then I ‘googled’ healthy Chinese takeout, since that was what my husband and his friend Andrew were getting. Turns out one of my favorites, Beef and Broccoli is one of the more healthy (Yes, I know it’s still Chinese takeout) that you can get since it has vegetables and nothing fried (if you get steamed rice). I got a small, and forwent my normal egg roll and crab meat wontons. :'(
The only problem being that the tiny little meal didn’t fill me up. And I’m sure I’m still hungry because I drank water and waited over an hour and my stomach is still growling. So I think I will go make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and that should take care of me for the night.
