Tag: health

The Year 2020

Laura Highcove

The first journal entry of the new year! Things were crazy at the end of the last year. Crazy! And now I want to get back to a normal. Not the same normal as before, since that’s impossible with my new houseplants and YouTube channel, but a new normal that I can be happy with.

So basically I “forgot” about writing for about three months and even now I’m having a little trouble getting back into it. I can give you all the reasons why I think this is, but after I wrote that long tyraid, I did what I normally do in a situation like this. I created a list!

This list is all the things I need to do to basically finish the Storyteller trilogy.

*Smooth what I have written
*Write the rest of the Wizard, draft 0
*Alpha read
*Fix major plot point through two books
*Fix minor points through two books
*Beta read
*Fix any problems
*Two-three final passes

Man, it looks so easy when it’s just a list like that. But once I had that list, I went through and guesstimated how long each step would take.

So I currently have seven more chapters to smooth. I’m going to give myself one week for that. I think that’s pushing it a bit, but it might just force me to get it done and over with. It’s not important that it’s perfect yet. *Jan 13-19*

Then I need to write the rest of the wizard. So I think what I need to do is once I’ve smoothed it, I’ll do another one of those “outlines” where I go through and outline what I have, then get ideas of where I wanted to go and scenes I still need to write. And write a list of all the things I want to have happen. Including the ending. *Jan 20-26*

Then I need to write them. I’d like to give myself a month, do a Nanowrimo type deal. *Jan 27-Feb 23*

Then I’ll need to smooth, maybe two weeks. *Feb 24-Mar 8*

Then I send out the Wizard for alpha reading. Hopefully they can get it done in a month. *Mar 9 – Apr 5*

When I get it back, go through the list, then go through myself and write down everything! *Apr 6 30- Apr 19*
-scenes that still need to be written/finished
-plot holes
-details to be done
-medium things
-minor things
-naming crap

Then I need to fix these problems. This is going to be the hardest to figure out the time-line of. For right now I’m giving myself a month. This will likely change. I’ll reevaluate the time-line when I get to the step above. *Apr 20- May 17*

Beta read: See, again, if it can be done in a month. *May 18- Jun 14*

Fix any problems, make a final list: one week *Jun15- 21*

Two-three final passes: ~month min *Jun22- July19*

Whenever I do one of these schedules, I’m reminded about *why* it takes so long to write a book. There’s just so many steps and there’s only so fast you can go over this many words. Still, I now have my goal set up in front of me. When I finish it this time, I can finally play Kingdom Hearts 3. :p

Depression

Laura Highcove

In the spring of 2003 I started taking medicine for depression. It wasn’t a huge deal at first, I would have a day or two a month where I would feel overwhelmed and cry on and off all day. I called this “crashing”.

The medicine worked well, helped to even out my moods. I would only have problems when I neglected getting refills, desperately hoping that this time I wouldn’t need it anymore. That this time I would be okay and that I was no longer dependent on some drug to make me able to live my life. Then I would crash again.

I remember hitting my low point, where I was at work, staring at the computer screen, trying to figure out how many more hours I had to work until I had another sick day accrued.

I wondered what the hell was wrong with me, that I had a wonderful husband, perfect job (with great pay, coworkers, doing work I loved to do), financial stability, and I was still depressed. I was so depressed that I quit my job and my husband and I moved back to Blacksburg, Virginia.

When I think back on those times, it just feels so different from how it is now. I was blessed by God’s grace to stumble on Advantage Ranch, just a few miles from my home, and that the people there (and horses!) helped me learn to better control my mind, and the suffering I was causing myself. Three years ago I realized that this time, I no longer needed the medication.

This change was brought into stark relief as I mentioned in last week’s post, I fell back into that depression. For three weeks I struggled against the helpless feeling that brought me to tears in seconds and made me despair that I had broken and that I was going to have to go back on depression medicine.

But even from the depths of that hell I knew I had people that I could trust with anything and so I put my pain out there. I was able to put it out there because there was no judgment, because these women have made it their life’s work to make the barn a safe environment and because they could still see the beautiful person I am, even trapped as I was.

They helped me realize that I was caught in an immense trap made from the guilt I feel over my cat’s coming surgery. A feeling that my mind had buried to where I couldn’t see it, but it could torture me. And as soon as I knew where the pain was coming from, I cried for maybe a minute, and then I was fine.

I went from wanting to bury myself in a dark corner to being back to normal in minutes. Now, I admit, it took me years of work prior to this, to get to the point where I knew myself well enough and I trusted the people enough for the change to come that easily. Even in this case it took me two weeks to realize something was actually *wrong*.

But it was a reminder of what my life had been like, and how different it is now. For a while I actually doubted that what I had gone through was depression. I never struggled with suicidal thoughts, I only had certain days that I was depressed enough to crash, and even the fact that I was eventually able to come off the depression medicine made me think perhaps I had never been that bad.

I was wrong. I was depressed. There was no ‘faking happy’ in that place. There was only my mind turning me against everything that was good in my life. My mind, but not my soul.

I’m left wishing there was some way for me to let everyone who suffers from depression know that you’re not broken. You haven’t failed. And yes, there are people out there who can function without medication; and there are people who can’t. That is a statement of fact and nothing more.

I was able to better control my mind, and thus my depression, with a combination of the Landmark Curriculum for Living, Ashtanga Yoga, and coaching from the facilitators of Advantage Ranch (who I am lucky enough to call friends) over a period of three years. It is not a quick fix, and the study is ongoing, but I am convinced it is worth it and that anyone can do it.

Sorry for this interlude, I am back to writing. There will be an update next week.

Update

Laura Highcove

I got away from posting everyday, which I really want to do. But I think I just have to do it in the evening instead of the morning, since I have more time in the evening. Anyway, I still haven’t missed any days of running which is pretty awesome. Nick is getting taller, but is still gangly. I’ve started framing Tori again. And I’m setting aside time each evening to work on my stories. All in all, pretty cool.

Cold

Laura Highcove

So March was really warm, unseasonably so. It was nice for my beginnings of exercising, but then one day it rained and I realized that running in the rain would suck because I would be wet all day. I then remembered that we have an all-weather-facility at Advantage Ranch, meaning I can run inside! Well when April hit, the weather decided to make up for not being cold in March and I decided that I could also run inside when it’s too cold to comfortably run outside. I mean it’s exercising, but I don’t have to be miserable to make it effective.

However, inside does not have the same hill effect that running up and down the driveway does, so I decided I might as well go right to running two minutes and walking one, which I did today. Not sure if I could do that going up the driveway yet, but I can work toward it.

Also, yesterday, I found a pair of jeans in my dresser that have been there for months. I had bought a bunch of jeans at one point, and grabbed a different cut. Though it was the same size as the pants I had tried on, I could not get this pair of pants on and I put it in my dresser since I couldn’t wear it. (I keep all my wearing clothes in the closet.) Well it seems with my running and eating healthier, I now fit into those jeans, and they make my butt look good!! Which is convenient because the other jeans I have that make my butt look good are getting so big it was a bit inconvenient to wear them. :p

Grr neck

Laura Highcove

I did not sleep well last night. I couldn’t get comfortable and too long in one position would cause my shoulder to hurt, so it was a lot of tossing and turning. More drugs and back to work.

My husband told me last night that one of his coworkers is getting laid off. It really made me stop and think about what would have happened if my husband had been the one to be laid off. His job and paycheck are really the things that allow me the freedom I have to work at the barn. I don’t think I take it for granted, but maybe I do a little.

And despite my shoulder injury I did still do my 30 minutes of running. Maybe a little more slowly and carefully than normal, but still. Yay!

Ouchies

Laura Highcove

So on Friday we went to get a load of hay in the late morning, after I had finished chores. I tweaked my trapezious (sp?) the muscle that lays across the top of the shoulder and goes up the side of the neck. It’s a big one (the muscle), and among other things is fabulous at giving headaches. I was able to rest it over the weekend and really didn’t notice it at all on Monday morning until I was pushing a wheelbarrow with no air in the tire (not going to explain that one) and the strain re-injured it.

I made it through the rest of the day with little problem. Even putting on blankets didn’t bother me the way it had on Friday. But this morning I woke up with it already in pain. I was only barely able to brush my hair and I had to get my husband to put my hair up into a ponytail for me. And right now I’m sitting here typeing, which allows my arms to be nice and low, and it’s still throbbing in my ear.

I’m hoping I’ll still be able to run as yesterday was my first day at the full 30 minutes! If not I’ll do what I can do.

I also came to an interesting conclusion about myself after reading the “If Life is a Game, these are the Rules” book that Deb gave me. I won’t detail it here, as I want to talk to Morgan and Deb about it in yoga today. Then maybe I’ll put in my thoughts.

To 25 minutes

Laura Highcove

Yesterday and today I finally did 25 minutes of run/walking. That hill is really killer, and I have to start timing my leaving home better so I have the full half hour when I do that starting Monday. Morgan had a little spill off Dill so I ended up doing yoga by myself. Then I still finished chores early!

Tori got new shoes today with wedges and she’s much less lame. Not 100% but I was able to ride her for the first time since Sue’s clinic! I know…it was too long, but at least I’ve been working on my exercising.

Honey Nut CHeerios for breakfast. Cutie after yoga. Sheppard’s Pie for lunch along with handful of oyster crackers and an apple. Dinner was the pie again with some club, multi-grain crackers. Snack was two cuties.

No title

Laura Highcove

I am running, but I’ve been wondering when I can get around to not being so tired afterward. I make it through work pretty okay, but when I get home I’m still tired and my everything is sore after a little bit of sitting down. I mean I feel good for running…

Honey nut cheerios for breakfast, PB and J for lunch with a handful of oyster crackers and an apple. Had a cutie in the morning and in the afternoon. Dinner was Sheppard’s pie made with turkey instead of beef and pureed squash on top instead of potatoes. It was pretty tasty.

Rachel gave me the idea of actually writing the end of one of my stories in order to give myself a place to work toward. It’s ending up being harder than I thought. I had a vague idea where I wanted my Shifting Winds story to go, but when I tried to write it down I realized I have little idea how to get the characters where they are in what I’ve written to the point that would be the end. Part of my process when I’m stuck is to write, write, write and just shift ideas whenever I get stuck in a particular thing. It can be a little discouraging at times, but usually I come up with something good eventually. I guess I just have to keep trying with this story.

Cold today

Laura Highcove

So it got really cold last night, and as a consequence it was cold this morning when I did my run. I was decked out in three shirts and earmuffs, wishing for gloves. I really dislike breathing in through my nose when it’s that cold. But I did it! Victory!

Today was honey nut cheerios for breakfast, PB and J and honey for lunch with four pieces of dried pineapple and a handful of oyster crackers. I had a granola bar around 5. Dinner is the last of the hot dog and bean casserole.

Titles

Laura Highcove

It’s getting harder to come up with a title for these posts. Oh well.

Back into the weekdays and I…forgot to set my alarm for the first time in like…forever. I’m awake, lying there at 7:11, just thinking: ‘This is so nice, my bed feels so good, and in a few minutes my alarm will go off…ihavetobeatthebarninfifteenminutes. Suffice to say I was a little late (only ten minutes) and I didn’t get my stillness or my exercising done. I did them both later in the day though.

Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast. Lunch was my PB and J sandwich with a little honey. Handful of oyster crackers, and the other brand of Greek yogurt that I had. I liked this one more. There was more fruit on the bottom, plus I felt the yogurt itself wasn’t so…dry? gritty? I’m not exactly sure how to describe how Greek yogurt is different from regular yogurt. Dinner was leftover bean and hotdog casserole.