How I’ve Dulled my Social Anxiety

There was never a point at which I suddenly realized I was a shy person. I just always knew I was shy and for the most part I didn’t care. I stayed out of people’s way and they stayed out of mine.

Wanting to Change

A desire for change came from the place of realizing that being shy would be a hindrance to becoming successful as an author. In these days of social media, podcasts, and conventions, lingering in the shadows keeps you from being seen and being seen is important. These days, people want to interact with the people who write the books they love, and being seen helps to get your book out there. Often, the authors that I connect with (and thus buy the books of) are authors who are open, friendly, and personable.

Now I have made great strides in this front over the past five years or so, but I still remember being so excited about going to my first writer’s conference and how confidant I felt, until I ended up in a corner, clutching my umbrella for dear life while the other writers around me chatted with each other. I had grown comfortable in my own circles but had no skill at accessing that confidence in a new place with new people. I spent the first day of this conference flitting from place to place, as invisible as I always was.

Set Small, Reasonable Goals

By the second day, I realized how unreasonable it had been to expect myself to walk up to strangers in a place I had never been before and make small talk. That is not something in my skill set, and expecting it of myself was unfair.

As such, I gave myself an easier goal: Walk up to the fantasy author who had just given a panel and thank him. Not as big of an ask, I had gotten to know the author a bit through his panel and it is expected for people to go up and talk to him afterward. I just inserted myself into that place. He was friendly and encouraging.

When I went to Writer’s Digest for the first time later that year, I gave myself the small goal of exchanging business cards with someone. Just one person.

At a third conference I challenged myself to speak with just one agent. (Though I had a long list of them I had looked up prior, to give myself more options. This one was particularly tough.)

I also willingly! went to a retreat for public speaking. You can read more about that here.

The important thing was to not overload myself with expectations. I looked at what I was comfortable doing and I pushed myself to do a bit more.

Setting Up for Success

Let’s face it, the world is a scary place and I’ve found that I do far better in certain situations. If I need to talk to people I have never met before, I need to be in a familiar setting. If I need to go to a new place, it’s better for me to be with someone I know. This year was my second year at Writer’s Digest and I bunked with a writer I knew online, and several people from the DIY MFA team were there.

It was the best time I’ve ever had at a conference because I was comfortable in the setting and with the people there. And because of that, I was able to go into the Pitch Slam with more confidence than I would’ve thought possible.

I’m going to World Fantasy Con this next month in Texas for the first time and my mother is going with me. She’s not going to the convention proper, but we’re going to spend time hanging around the city together around the convention, and I expect that that bit of familiarity (along with the fact that I’ve been going Otakon for over a decade now) will greatly help my confidence levels in the new situation of the con.

Forgiving your Failures

I’ve given myself goals that I’ve been unable to fulfill. I’ve gotten in line to talk to authors before and then walked away because I got in my head too much and scared myself out of wanting to talk to them. The worst thing you can do in this case is berate yourself after the fact. It won’t change anything at that point. The best thing to do is look forward and either try again or give yourself (temporary) permission to stop.

After I had talked to six or seven agents at the Pitch Slam (and had done really well) I realized that I was emotionally drained and even though the time wasn’t completely up, I gave myself permission to stop pushing, because it’s just what I needed at that point.

Knowing your limits is going something everyone has to learn for themselves. Sometimes you’ll push too far and other times you won’t push far enough. You just have to keep being honest with yourself and keep trying to improve.

Help from Sebastien de Castell

I have poured out some new words on The Huntsman, but things are still not coming together the way I would like them to. As such I’ve gone back to the beginning again to smooth what I have and hopefully push forward again.

Going back to the beginning of my story does two positive things for me. One, the beginning is rather solid right now, so it helps me remember I’m not a terrible writer and it lifts my spirits. Two, it allows me to shift the story as a result of new things I have discovery written, including relationships between characters, because, let’s be honest, the thing I enjoy most about writing is the relationships between characters. So whenever they get more nuanced and detailed, it makes me happy and keeps me motivated.

I was listening to a podcast from DIY MFA.com where the author Sebastien de Castell talked about how much more difficult writing a sequel book is. As he pointed out, in the first book you can just create as much as you want, but in the sequel there are already rules, rules you can’t change (especially if the book is already published.) and expectations that have been set.

It just made me realize how true that was, and I stopped beating myself up so much about the expectation that I had that since the first book only took me two years, I should be able to do that for the second. The book is going to take as long as it’s going to take. I may never be one of those authors who pounds out a book a year. And that may change when I have an agent and/or editor helping me out. Right now I can only work with what I have. My goal right now is aimed at having an alpha ready by the end of the year. It’s good to always have a goal, even if you don’t make it. And who knows, tomorrow I might have that idea or write the scene that fixes all the problems I’m having. That’s part of why writing is so much fun.

PS: Sebastien’s Greatcoat books are super amazing, so if you like swashbuckling and snarky narrators, give them a shot.

My Most Inspirational Quotes: #4

This one is the quote from my pile of inspirational quotes that makes me feel the best. While the rest of the quotes are sort of for the ‘down in the trenches, let’s keep at it’-ness of life. This one has the ability to lift me up.

Because in my head, I can hear the lightness and wonder of the person saying that last time. If I am completely honest, it’s the voice of the Godmother from the Law of the Prince Charming. Something about hearing her saying it and having it be someone who is not me saying it, and believing in me in that way, never fails to lift me up.

This is a quote I’ve had forever, but it wasn’t until I did this post that I found out this quote is attributed to someone, and that there is actually more to the quote. While not entirely relevant, it was an interesting tidbit for me.

Do any of you have some sort of quote that never fails to make your day a little brighter when you hear it? I hope that you do.

Making it Fun Again

I’m starting to think that two weeks between journal entries might be too long. A lot happens in two weeks, a lot of things can change. I’m not going to make my deadline. I’ve been moving forward pretty steadily, I just seriously misjudged where I was with the Huntsman when I made my goal.

I spent much of last week beating myself up the fact that I’m failing to meet my deadlines and that I’m not working on my story 24/7. But at a certain point I just had to stop and realize I wasn’t having fun anymore. It was a chore and I can’t write like that. I reminded myself that whether or not this story ever gets published isn’t what matters. It’s writing a story that I enjoy and that I want to read over and over, just like The Law of the Prince Charming. I’m still having a little trouble letting go of my attachment to my deadlines, but at least now I’m focusing more on writing something I enjoy. But this is only the second book I’ve worked on this seriously, so I can only be so surprised when I wildly misjudge how long things will take. I’m sure it’s something I will learn with time, just like everything else.

That being said, I went back and smoothed out the beginning of the story and am pushing my way through Wildrose’s arc. It’s been difficult and it’s been fun. My plan now is to push through to the middle of the book in the next two weeks, both Wildrose and Tabitha’s arcs. The only way to go is forward after all.

However, it’s also time for me to admit that I’m not doing NaNoWriMo this year. Now I’m obviously still going to write, I’m just not throwing my hat in the NaNoWriMo ring. I love NaNoWriMo and I have learned so much about myself as a writer from it, but I keep reaching the point where I feel like NaNoWriMo is getting in the way rather than helping. This year, in particular, for several reasons. I’ll be going into more detail about those reasons in this month’s newsletter, so go ahead and sign up so you can stay in the loop.

See you in two weeks.

My Most Inspirational Quotes: #3

Third in my series of posts about inspirational quotes that have changed my life is one that I came up with and use for myself to help deal with feelings of overwhelm. It might be more like a mantra, but either way, I’m going to share it. When I was a far younger writer, still new and unsure of myself I used to get discouraged a lot when seeing the success of other writers. I would get stuck in one of these complaints:

I’ll never be that good.
I don’t write enough.
My website/social media account is crappy.
I don’t know enough.
I don’t have enough time.
I’m not good enough.

Or something similar. And then one day I responded to myself with: “So are you going to quit writing completely then?”
To which the answer was: “Well …no.”
“Then take one step and worry about the rest later.”

Nowadays this is shortened in my head to a more mantra-like statement that I use whenever I have a feeling of inadequacy or overwhelm when it comes to my writing. I just say to myself, as a question, with no malice or judgment: “Are you going to quit?” And then I keep going because the answer is ‘no’.

It’s basically become an interrupt for my negative thoughts, which immediately allows me to focus more on what I’m doing at the time and not worry about everything I might need to do.

The other thing that helps me with this problem is making lists, because that shows me my steps and then I can put them in order and cross them out. In addition, most times the list I come up with, of things to do, has some that can easily be put off (not an immediate deadline) which makes the list shorter and easier to manage.

Do you have a statement/mantra or ritual that you use to help with feelings of overwhelm? in order to help push you to a more positive mindset? Please share it in the comments.

Wildrose’s Arc (Aug 28 – Sept 10, 2017)

I’ve been pushing through Gabir’s character arc and it’s going well, if not more slowly than I was expecting. I misjudged my timeline for a couple reasons. One being the downtime I needed to get reorganized after being away from home for two weeks, another in that the last time I made estimations on how much time revisions like this would take, the story was far closer to completion than this one.

Gabir’s arc is done and now I’ve moved on to Wildrose’s about a week late. I am really enjoying delving more deeply into Wildrose, since I hadn’t done any scenes from his pov yet. When I started this book I thought I was only going to use pov from Tabitha and Gabir, but I realized that Wildrose was doing a lot of stuff in the background and not confiding any of it to anyone, which means for the reader to have any idea what’s going on, he would have to have his own pov scenes.

On the other hand, there are many scenes where Tabitha and Rose interact, so as I’m doing Wildrose’s arc, a lot of work is being done on Tabitha’s arc as well. So I hope to have the both of them done by Sept 24th. Which will give me plenty of time to fix up the rest of the story, do a smoothing pass, and be ready to start on the draft 0 for the Wizard (Book 3).

Writer’s Digest 2017


Part of me knows I should’ve written this sooner after having been to WDC, but the other part of me was really busy. :p

So I headed up the NYC on Thursday the 17th after having been at Otakon in DC the past weekend and staying with my in-laws in Baltimore for the week. My train was an hour later, after I got there over an hour early, worrying that I would miss the train. So that was sort of a pain. Then, once I got on the train I had a rude exchange with one of the conductors because I was having trouble finding a seat. It took me a moment to realize that people put their stuff in the second seat in an attempt to keep anyone else from sitting next to them. So then I asked someone to please move their stuff and I achieved a seat.

I got off in Penn Station, grabbed a pretzel (because I was starving) and used Google Maps to get me on the right Subway and to the hotel. I got my WDC badge with no delay and got my room before finding my roommate in the ‘intro’ session.

We got some food and then spent the rest of the evening working on our pitches for the Pitch Slam. We spent a few hours writing and rewriting until we finally decided to call it a night and hope we would get some good advice in the Pitch Perfect session the next morning.

The Pitch Perfect session went well and gave me some good ideas for my pitch. Then I launched into a full day of panels, including Steven James’ Story Trumps Structure which was fun and full of great information and Mastering Plot Twists by Jane K. Cleland, which I was a little wary about at the start because I thought it would be too formulaic, but ended up being very helpful. That night was a great keynote from Lisa Scottoline who was boisterous and fun and made me feel super excited about the rest of the conference.

Friday night was spent at dinner with the DIY MFA crowd and then working on our pitches again. At one point I realized my writing style is just nowhere near my conversational voice and I was running into an issue where everything I wrote sounded too formal. So I wrote out the opening bit to my pitch (my name, book’s title, word count, and elevator pitch), and then I just created some bullet point-like notes in case I got really stuck and decided I was going to wing it.

Luckily I was in the first pitch slam session so I didn’t have all day to worry about it. It ended up going wonderfully and I came away with four requests for submissions from the agents I was most excited about. If you’d like to know more detail about what happened and what I learned during the pitch slam, sign up for my newsletter which will be going out next weekend.

Then it was back to panels. Another Stephen James lecture on Troubleshooting your Novel and one by Crystal King on Taking Control of your Book’s Promotion Plan which had an amazing list of things you can do to promote your book. I love lists.

Then the most amazing thing happened. I got to be a part of a DIY MFA podcast along with the other DIY MFAers who were at the conference. I was super nervous and I have no idea how I’ll end up sounding on the finished product, but it was tons of fun doing it with everyone. That podcast will be available sometime in the next month or so (I don’t know exactly). I’ll be sure to post a lot about it so you won’t miss out.

And Sunday were two nice lectures, one on Voices in my Head by Heather Webb which gave me some good ideas on trying to identify my own writing voice. And you may have noticed the ‘subtle’ link to sign up for my newsletter. I went to a lecture on Newsletter Marketing put on by Jane Friedman, so I got some amazing ideas for both promotion and putting out a newsletter that will be worth the space in your inbox.

After that I checked out the hotel and headed to the subway, only to find out the Subway’s E line that I had taken here from Penn Station was diverted for the weekend, so I had to get as close as I could and then walk the rest of the way. At least I had my rolly luggage so it wasn’t so bad. The train was right on time, I got on and found a seat immediately and read ‘The Ocean at the End of the Lane’ by Neil Gaimen, finishing just before I arrived in Baltimore, where I met with my hubby and we drove home from there.

Sorcerer to the Crown (POV Analyze)

This is an excerpt from: Sorcerer to the Crown by Zen Cho. I didn’t write it. I am looking to analyze the melding of omniscient pov with third person limited and how it’s done so seamlessly. (There may be typos, I typed it out quickly while watching TV.)

The meeting of the Royal Society of Unnatural Philosophers was well under way, and the entrance hall was almost empty. Only the occasional tardy magical passed through, scarcely spacing a glance for the child waiting there. Establishing shot.

Boy children of his type were not an uncommon sight in the Society’s rooms. The child was unusual less for his complexion than for his apparent idleness. Unlike the Society’s splendidly liveried pages, he was soberly dressed, and he was young for a page bow, having just attained his sixth summer.

In fact, Zacharias held no particular employment, and he had never seen the Society before that morning, when he had been conducted there by the Sorcerer Royal himself. Sir Stephen had adjured him to wait, then vanished into the mysterious depths of the Great Hall. The two above paragraphs seem rather obviously omniscient.

Zacharias was awed by the stately building, with its sombre wood paneled walls and imposing paintings, and he was a little frightened of the grave thaumaturges hurrying past in their midnight blue coats. Most of all he was rendered solemn by the seriousness of his task. He sat, swollen with purpose, gazing at the doors to the Great Hall, as though by an effort of will he might compel them to open and disgorge his guardian. At this point we seem to be in third person limited.

Finally, the moment came: the doors opened, and Sir Stephen beckoned to him.

Zacharias entered the Great Hall under the penetrating gaze of what seemed to a thousand gentleman Very much third limited, most of them old, and none friendly. Sir Stephen was the only person he knew, for one could not count Sir Stephen’s familiar Leofric, who slept curled in reptilian soils at the back of the room, smoke rising from his snout.

The thickest-skinned child might have been cowed by such an assembly, and Zacharias was sensitive. Seems to be omniscient. But Sir Stephen put a reassuring hand on his back, and Zacharias remembered the morning, to long ago now — home, safety, warmth, and Lady Wythe’s face bending over him: From here on, it seems fitted firmly in third limited.

“Never be afraid, Zacharias, but do your best. That will be quite enough, for you have been taught by the finest sorcerer in the realm. If the attention of so many gentlemen should make you nervous, simply pretend to yourself that they are so many heads of cabbages. That aways assists me on such occasions.”

Zacharias was pretending as hard as he could as he was propelled to the front of the room, but the cabbages did not seem o help. To be sure, Lady Wythe had never been called upon to prove the magical capacities of her race before the finest thaumaturgical minds in England. It was a grave responsibility, and one anyone could find daunting, thought Zacharias, even if he were a great boy of six.

“What do you wish to bring alive, Zacharias?” said Sir Stephen. He gestured at a small wooden box on the table. “In the course of his travels. Mr. Midsomer acquired this box, carved with birds and fruit and outlandish animals. You may have your pick.”

Zacharias had rehearsed the enchantment he was to perform many times under Sir Stephen’s patient tutelage. He night before, he had fallen asleep reciting the formula to himself. Yet now, as he was surrounded by a crowd of strange faces, oppressed by the conscientiousness of being the focus of their attention, memory deserted him.
His terrified gaze swung from Sir Stephen’s kind face, skipped over the audience, and roamed over the Great Hall, as if he might find the words of the spell waiting for him in some dusty corner. It was the oldest room in the Society, and boasted several interesting features, chief of which were the ancient carved bosses on the ceiling. These represented lambs, lions and unicorns; faces of long-dead sorcerers; and Green Men with sour expressions and vines sprouting from their nostrils. At any other time they would have captivated Zacharias, but right now they could give him no pleasure.

“I have forgotten the spell,” he whispered.

“What is that?” said Sir Stephen. He had been speaking in clear ringing tones before, addressing his audience, but no he lowered his voice and leaned closer.

“No helping the boy, if you please,” cried a voice. “That will prove nothing of what you promised.”

The audience had been growing restless with Zacharias stupefaction. Other voices followed the first, hectoring, displeased.

“Is the child an idiot?”

“A poll parrot would offer better amusement.”

“Can you conceive anything more absurd?” said a thaumaturge to a friend, in a carrying whisper. “He might seek to persuade s that a pig and fly — or a woman to do magic!”
The friend observed that so could pigs fly, if one could be trouble to make them.

“Oh certainly!” replied the first. “And one could teach a woman to do magic, I suppose, but what earthly good would a flying pig or a magical female be to anyone?”
“This is a great fist to the press,” cried a gentleman with red whiskers and a supercilious expression. “What fine material we have furnished today for the caricaturists — a meeting of the first magicians of our age summoned to watch a piccaninny stutter! Has English thaumaturgy indeed been so reduced by the waning of England’s magic that Sir Stephen believes we have nothing better to do?”

Unease rippled through the crowd, as though what the gentleman had said sat ill with his peers. Zacharias said anxiously: “Perhaps there is not enough magic.”

“Tush!” said Sir Stephen. To Zacharias’s embarrassment, he spoke loud enough for the entire room to hear. “Pray do not let that worry you. It pleases Mr. Midsomer to enlarge upon the issue, but I believe England is still furnished with sufficient magic to quicken any tolerable magician’s spells.”

The red-whiskered gentleman shouted an indistinct riposte, but he was not allowed to finish, for three other thaumaturges spoke over his, disagreeing vociferously. Six more magicians took up Mr. Midcomer’s defense, alternating insults to their peers with condemnation of Sir Stephen and mockery of his protege. A poor sort of performing animal it was, they said, that could not perform!

“What an edifying sigh for a child — a room full of men several times his size, calling him names,” said one gentleman, who had the sorcerer’s silver star pinned to his coat. He did not trouble to raise his voice, but his cool accents seemed to cut through the tumult. “It is all of a piece with the most ancient traditions of our honourable Society. I am sure, and evidence of how well we deserve out position in the world.”

Mr. Miscomer flushed with anger.

“Mr. Damerell may say what he likes, but I see no reason why we should restrain our criticism of this absurd spectacle, child or no child,” he snapped.

“I am sure you do not, Midsomer,” said Damerell gently. “I have always admired your refusal, in the pursuit of your convictions, ever to be constrained by considerations of humanity — much less of ordinary manners.”

The room erupted into more argument than ever. The clamour mounting till it seemed it must wake the carving on the box, and even the slumbering bosses on the ceiling, without Zacharias’s needing to lift a finger.

Zacharias looked around, but everyone had ceased to pay attention to him. For the moment he was reprieved.

He let out a small sigh of relief. As if that tiny breath were the key to his locked memory, his mind opened, and the spell fell into it, fully formed. The words were so clear and obvious, their logic so immaculate, that Zacharias wondered that he had ever lost them.

He spoke the spell under his breath, still a little uncertain after the agonies he had endured. But the magic came, ever his friend — magic answered his call. The birds carved upon the box blushed red, green, blue and yellow, and he knew that the spell had caught.

The birds peeled away from the box as they took on substance and being, their wings springing away from their bodies, feathers sprouting upon their flesh. They flew up to the ceiling, squawking. The breeze from their wings brushed Zacharias’s face, and he laughed.

One by one the carved bosses sprang to life, and the dead sorcerers and the sour old Green Men and the lions and the lambs and the birds opened their mouths, all of them singing, singing lustily Zacharias’s favorite song, drowning out the angry voices of the men below, and filling the room with glorious sound.

Gabir’s Arc (Aug 14 – 27, 2017)

So these past few weeks were rather busy. After Otakon I spent a few days with my husband’s family and I got a good amount of writing done in the mornings. I got my Scrivener outline done and started to fill in the scenes that involved Gabir.

On Thursday the 17th I went up to New York City for Writer’s Digest Conference. Had a lot of great stuff happen there, from the panels, to seeing other DIY MFA people, and the Pitch Slam (speed dating for authors and agents). I’m working on a post for what happened at the conference that will be posted later. I am going to be putting the details of the pitch slam in my newsletter so sign up for that if you haven’t already if you’re interested in hearing more about it.

I had a great time overall, but I neglected to remember/predict how hard I would crash on getting home. After being gone from home for almost two weeks I needed decompression/organization time. I barely worked on any writing until Friday which means I didn’t finish Gabir’s arc. On the other hand, my house looks beautiful. 😀

The plan is to finish up Gabir’s arc and then move on to Wildrose’s arc.

As a side note: During the drive, my hubby pointed out that my numbers for how much I planned on writing for NaNoWriMo were wrong. I had gone back and forth on how much I was planning to write and when, and I think I just got my numbers crossed. (I have a math minor but that doesn’t mean I’m good at it, just that I know more math exists than most people.) Here are the actual, correct numbers:

26 days (since I’m taking Fridays off) x 2.5k a day = 65k total

My Most Inspirational Quotes: #2

Following along in the vein of this post, where I talked about an important inspirational quote that I use nearly constantly to remind myself that I am progressing with my writing is the following.

I was going through a Google image search looking for random inspirational quotes to put into my Facebook feed when I ran across this one:

I was immediately completely overwhelmed with emotion and started crying right then and there. The truth is, I cry a lot. For a long time, I hated that about myself. I, of course, hate how I look when I cry and how I feel while I’m crying, but the thing that really bothered me was always how I worried how it made the people around me feel. How people immediately go into ‘Oh, what’s wrong.’ or ‘Don’t cry.’ And so I had, over the years, internalized that crying was bad, or wrong, or something to be fixed.

After I saw this quote, I made a rather abrupt mental shift. I began to tell myself that it was okay to cry because that meant I needed to cry, and that helped me stop feeling guilty about crying. I also made the decision that I was no longer going to apologize for crying in front of other people. (I still avoid crying in public, I’m talking about crying in front of friends and family.) The apologizing itself was like an admittance that what I was doing was bad or wrong. Instead, I move on with the conversation without drawing attention to the crying itself, and then I thank the person for supporting me.

And truthfully, I haven’t looked at this quote since I posted it to my Facebook. It was a strong enough influence that one time that it stuck with me. Do you have a quote or other experience that has immediately and drastically changed the way that you respond to the world? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.