How I’ve Dulled my Social Anxiety

There was never a point at which I suddenly realized I was a shy person. I just always knew I was shy and for the most part I didn’t care. I stayed out of people’s way and they stayed out of mine.

Wanting to Change

A desire for change came from the place of realizing that being shy would be a hindrance to becoming successful as an author. In these days of social media, podcasts, and conventions, lingering in the shadows keeps you from being seen and being seen is important. These days, people want to interact with the people who write the books they love, and being seen helps to get your book out there. Often, the authors that I connect with (and thus buy the books of) are authors who are open, friendly, and personable.

Now I have made great strides in this front over the past five years or so, but I still remember being so excited about going to my first writer’s conference and how confidant I felt, until I ended up in a corner, clutching my umbrella for dear life while the other writers around me chatted with each other. I had grown comfortable in my own circles but had no skill at accessing that confidence in a new place with new people. I spent the first day of this conference flitting from place to place, as invisible as I always was.

Set Small, Reasonable Goals

By the second day, I realized how unreasonable it had been to expect myself to walk up to strangers in a place I had never been before and make small talk. That is not something in my skill set, and expecting it of myself was unfair.

As such, I gave myself an easier goal: Walk up to the fantasy author who had just given a panel and thank him. Not as big of an ask, I had gotten to know the author a bit through his panel and it is expected for people to go up and talk to him afterward. I just inserted myself into that place. He was friendly and encouraging.

When I went to Writer’s Digest for the first time later that year, I gave myself the small goal of exchanging business cards with someone. Just one person.

At a third conference I challenged myself to speak with just one agent. (Though I had a long list of them I had looked up prior, to give myself more options. This one was particularly tough.)

I also willingly! went to a retreat for public speaking. You can read more about that here.

The important thing was to not overload myself with expectations. I looked at what I was comfortable doing and I pushed myself to do a bit more.

Setting Up for Success

Let’s face it, the world is a scary place and I’ve found that I do far better in certain situations. If I need to talk to people I have never met before, I need to be in a familiar setting. If I need to go to a new place, it’s better for me to be with someone I know. This year was my second year at Writer’s Digest and I bunked with a writer I knew online, and several people from the DIY MFA team were there.

It was the best time I’ve ever had at a conference because I was comfortable in the setting and with the people there. And because of that, I was able to go into the Pitch Slam with more confidence than I would’ve thought possible.

I’m going to World Fantasy Con this next month in Texas for the first time and my mother is going with me. She’s not going to the convention proper, but we’re going to spend time hanging around the city together around the convention, and I expect that that bit of familiarity (along with the fact that I’ve been going Otakon for over a decade now) will greatly help my confidence levels in the new situation of the con.

Forgiving your Failures

I’ve given myself goals that I’ve been unable to fulfill. I’ve gotten in line to talk to authors before and then walked away because I got in my head too much and scared myself out of wanting to talk to them. The worst thing you can do in this case is berate yourself after the fact. It won’t change anything at that point. The best thing to do is look forward and either try again or give yourself (temporary) permission to stop.

After I had talked to six or seven agents at the Pitch Slam (and had done really well) I realized that I was emotionally drained and even though the time wasn’t completely up, I gave myself permission to stop pushing, because it’s just what I needed at that point.

Knowing your limits is going something everyone has to learn for themselves. Sometimes you’ll push too far and other times you won’t push far enough. You just have to keep being honest with yourself and keep trying to improve.