Author: Laura Highcove

I did not sleep well last night. I couldn’t get comfortable and too long in one position would cause my shoulder to hurt, so it was a lot of tossing and turning. More drugs and back to work.

My husband told me last night that one of his coworkers is getting laid off. It really made me stop and think about what would have happened if my husband had been the one to be laid off. His job and paycheck are really the things that allow me the freedom I have to work at the barn. I don’t think I take it for granted, but maybe I do a little.

And despite my shoulder injury I did still do my 30 minutes of running. Maybe a little more slowly and carefully than normal, but still. Yay!

So on Friday we went to get a load of hay in the late morning, after I had finished chores. I tweaked my trapezious (sp?) the muscle that lays across the top of the shoulder and goes up the side of the neck. It’s a big one (the muscle), and among other things is fabulous at giving headaches. I was able to rest it over the weekend and really didn’t notice it at all on Monday morning until I was pushing a wheelbarrow with no air in the tire (not going to explain that one) and the strain re-injured it.

I made it through the rest of the day with little problem. Even putting on blankets didn’t bother me the way it had on Friday. But this morning I woke up with it already in pain. I was only barely able to brush my hair and I had to get my husband to put my hair up into a ponytail for me. And right now I’m sitting here typeing, which allows my arms to be nice and low, and it’s still throbbing in my ear.

I’m hoping I’ll still be able to run as yesterday was my first day at the full 30 minutes! If not I’ll do what I can do.

I also came to an interesting conclusion about myself after reading the “If Life is a Game, these are the Rules” book that Deb gave me. I won’t detail it here, as I want to talk to Morgan and Deb about it in yoga today. Then maybe I’ll put in my thoughts.

I am running, but I’ve been wondering when I can get around to not being so tired afterward. I make it through work pretty okay, but when I get home I’m still tired and my everything is sore after a little bit of sitting down. I mean I feel good for running…

Honey nut cheerios for breakfast, PB and J for lunch with a handful of oyster crackers and an apple. Had a cutie in the morning and in the afternoon. Dinner was Sheppard’s pie made with turkey instead of beef and pureed squash on top instead of potatoes. It was pretty tasty.

Rachel gave me the idea of actually writing the end of one of my stories in order to give myself a place to work toward. It’s ending up being harder than I thought. I had a vague idea where I wanted my Shifting Winds story to go, but when I tried to write it down I realized I have little idea how to get the characters where they are in what I’ve written to the point that would be the end. Part of my process when I’m stuck is to write, write, write and just shift ideas whenever I get stuck in a particular thing. It can be a little discouraging at times, but usually I come up with something good eventually. I guess I just have to keep trying with this story.

So it got really cold last night, and as a consequence it was cold this morning when I did my run. I was decked out in three shirts and earmuffs, wishing for gloves. I really dislike breathing in through my nose when it’s that cold. But I did it! Victory!

Today was honey nut cheerios for breakfast, PB and J and honey for lunch with four pieces of dried pineapple and a handful of oyster crackers. I had a granola bar around 5. Dinner is the last of the hot dog and bean casserole.

So I never really thought about it, but my husband and I actually eat every meal out over the weekend. I am going to have to possibly start bringing my own meals out for over the weekend. What I did eat was a homestyle chicken breast sandwich and fries for lunch on Saturday. Dinner was a turkey sub with lettuce, and a little mayo. Sunday breakfast was a grilled chicken sandwich with onions, cheddar, and bacon with fries and a snack of a quesadilla at 2. Dinner was a Chipotle bowl with chicken and rice.

Not the best, but I certainly did a lot better than I usually do. No unhealthy snacking like I usually have. I didn’t run, but I wasn’t planning on it. I did my stillness each day. I’m still not really feeling like it’s getting easier, and had to remind myself that wherever I am is perfect. If it gets better, then yay. If not, I still enjoy it.

So I got through yesterday. It was rough, but I made it. My breathing didn’t get super heavy during my run/walk, but my legs were just so tired I had a hard time even making them move. But I got through it and I am joyful in it. I even managed to make myself look at the blocks of stalls I had done instead of the number I still had to finish. And I even finished a little early!

Breakfast was Honey Nut Cheerios, lunch was peanut butter and honey with two cuties. Dinner was a bean and hot dog casserole with a biscuit on top. Still only drinking water or my flavored waters. I think I had two more cuties as a snack after dinner.

Still having a bit of trouble with the timing of my stillness and as seeing it as a positive. I feel like I could be doing other things, thinking about other things during it. I hope it will get easier.

I also took my husband to yoga today. He reacted much the same as I thought he would, and really, he’s good at focus and all that stuff, the thing I am worried about with him is his lack of love of himself, and not thinking he deserves people to do things for him. Unfortunately I don’t think the only weekly exposure to Deb and Morgan will ever get him to accept them they way I have. But I think I made my position clear to him, but now I’m not sure what I need to do to further help him. I’d suggest a therapist, but I know how he feels about them. And I don’t want to push too hard.

I know I’m not really supposed to say I’m tired, because when you say that you make that true, but in this case, my body really is dragging. The positive spin, however, is that I know it is so tired because I’ve been doing the work and I’m going to be better for it. That does not keep me from wanting to just surrender myself to my bed for another few hours.

Over the weekend, the plan is stillness and my groin exercise, along with doing yoga on Saturday morning with my hubby. I am not going to run, as to let my body catch up with everything I’ve thrown in it’s face.

I’m feeling apprehensive about my stillness right now. It’s just hard to be still for that long. Last night I was feeling so worn out that I just wanted to get through it and go to bed. I managed to have one moment of…something that felt really good? I dunno what it was or how to describe it. But it was the first time I opened my eyes twice before the five minutes was up. Then this morning, I know I’m alone in the barn, and while I have been feeling much better about that, I know it’s going to be difficult when my body is already feeling run down, and I won’t have any other energy around me.

Breakfast was my Honey Nut Cheerios. Lunch was a sandwich and a peach Greek yogurt (Not sure how I feel about the taste yet) and a handful of oyster crackers. I had a cutie and one of my granola bars before going home. Dinner was a salad with some pieces of turkey a little cheese and probably more ranch dressing than I should have put. I also had two more cuties.

I want to write more about some of the other people who went through the clinic (without names) and their reactions, but I need to leave in order to have enough time to run/walk this morning before chores. Go Laura! Do the work!

Had a breakdown and breakthrough moment last night. Wow, just typing that sent my mind off on a whole bunch of tangents while I ate some spoonfuls of cereal. But I went to Morgan and we had a clearing of the space, and while I’m not going to put the details here cause that’s more private than I want to put on the internet, it had to do with some hurt that I had received in the past, that my mind was bringing into the present even though *logically* I knew it was all fooy.

It also came up that I am (as everyone is) still emotionally open from Sue’s clinic, and so a bit more suitable to it, in addition to the fact that I worked the entire weekend so I didn’t get the break that I usually have, so I’m a bit worn. It feels good, because I know it means I’ve been working hard, especially with the new added exercise which I am celebrating. However, I am still going to super celebrate the weekend when I can sleep in. 🙂

So my bowl of cereal yesterday morning. Lunch was some left over pot roast with my four pieces of dried pineapple and handful of oyster crackers. I had a cutie (little tangerine) between breakfast and lunch, and a granola bar around 4 or so. Dinner was a turkey and cheese sub with lettuce and a tiny bit of mayo with some watered down pink lemonade (they always make it too sweet).

Did my stillness twice, my run/walk to 20 minutes though I only walked the last five minutes. My groin stretch before bed.

Here’s to a good, non-stressful day.